the right way to grieve

A scene: The baby is buried immediately without formal rites. The mother is neither present nor told where the burial site is. It is better if she does not become attached. Moving on, and quickly, is important. Mourning the baby could attract "bad luck" or malevolent spirits who might cause future losses.

A scene: Death is an impurity, and it must be cleansed. There will be a 50-day mourning period. The impurity must be tended to with salt and water. The priest will come and move the spirit of the baby into a wooden tablet. After the mourning period, the tablet will be placed upon the altar. The spirit of the baby has joined the ancestors who watch over the family. During this time, it is expected that the mother will endure her pain silently and return to her duties for the good of the family's harmony.

A scene: The parents decide whether to bury their baby, or cremate it. There is no set time for mourning, no prescribed ritual. The mother and father face mixed expectations. Friends offer support, and advice. Work grants time off. Grandparents come and offer to help. Mother and father are expected to grieve the loss. They are also expected to recover, but without guidance there's no clear idea of how long mourning should last. There's simply a sense, after a while, that it's time—or it's been too long.

These are all examples of mourning rituals. They are drawn from cultures across the world—from Asia, Africa, and the West. Regardless of what we may think of the rituals of a given culture or faith, we can see similarity and diversity. What we know is that mourning, even for those who adhere to faith, is incredibly personal. While you may follow a specific ritual, the process inside you, and the accents you bring to your mourning define it.

In the end, there is no right way to mourn. There is your way: The path where your heart leads you.