beauty in grief

themes

Please note. If you are in the early stages of mourning, especially if you are feeling anger or deep pain, you may find this article upsetting.

spousal loss

Study me then, you who shall lovers be At the next world, that is, at the next spring; For I am every dead thing, In whom Love wrought new alchemy. For his art did express A quintessence even from nothingness, From dull privations, and lean emptiness; He ruin'd me, and I am re-begot Of absence, darkness, death: things which are not.

- John Donne, excerpt from A Nocturnal on St Lucy's Day (Donne, 1633/2001)

In her book Eros, the Bittersweet, poet and scholar Anne Carson writes: "It was Sappho who first called eros 'bittersweet'. No one who has been in love disputes her... it is a moment bitter and sweet" (Carson, 1986). Eros is passionate love. The height of rapture. Yet, the height of rapture contains within it seeds of bitterness, or pain.

In many ways, there is a sweetness to the pain of separation in the longing for the beloved, as Shakespeare reminds us in his famous words: "Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, That I shall say good night till it be morrow" (Shakespeare, 1597/1997).

So, too, the pain of loss can lead to a bittersweet beauty. The quote above by John Donne for me is breathtaking. Donne wrote the poem in memoriam of someone he loved very deeply. His words give a poetic grace to depths of sorrow.

Mozart's Requiem is a piece where the beauty of grief is palpable in every bar. The depth of feeling is all the more powerful, as Mozart was writing it while he was dying. His widow, Constanze, said he believed he was writing the Requiem for his own funeral (BBC Music Magazine, 2024). And, indeed, he died during its composition.

Too, there are times when I'm walking in the early morning, or taking a stroll in the park, and I remember fondly those I've lost. The memory is, like Carson's eros, a moment bitter and sweet. This is particularly poignant for me in autumn, when the rich colours painting the trees means their leaves are dying. And, yet, it is this very beauty that draws so many of us into nature at this time.

Links:

References

Classical Music Magazine. (2025, June 13). A ghostly commission: the dark legend of Mozart's Requiem. Classical-Music.com.
Carson, A. (1986). Eros, the bittersweet: An essay. Princeton University Press.
Donne, J. (2001). A nocturnal upon S. Lucy's day, being the shortest day. In The complete English poems (A. J. Smith, Ed.). Penguin Classics. (Original work published 1633).
Shakespeare, W. (1997). Romeo and Juliet (The Arden Shakespeare). Bloomsbury. (Original work published 1597).

note:

If you find that social interactions are becoming unmanageable or your mental health is deteriorating, please consider reaching out to a professional who specialises in bereavement.