relationships - four truths, and two lies

Two: Perfect, and instant sexual chemistry. It's a race to the bedroom, where the sex is almost always amazing the first time. It's like an erotic symphony. Everyone orgasms, and everyone wins.

Together, these notions present a very one-dimensional vision of what it means to be in a relationship. It's all about solving my problems, and/or realising my sexual fantasies—a means to my own personal fulfilment. Importantly, it can create expectations—expectations that are very hard to live up to for anyone (you or your partner).

If this is the model people have in their minds, it's no wonder so many struggle with having a healthy relationship.

There is, of course, no simple answer to this. Anyone who tells you there is, is likely selling something.

What we can do, in a quick fifteen-minute blog post, is point you in the right direction. Maybe get you curious so you start thinking, feeling, exploring. With that in mind, let's look at some of the truths...

a few truths

1. There isn't a single recipe for a good relationship

The truth is, that there isn't a one-size-fits-all definition for a good relationship—other than, perhaps, that a good relationship generally meets people's needs in a positive way. People get into relationships for many different reasons, and in many different configurations.

That said, there are certain signs you can find in good relationships:

• People grow
• There is mutual support
• There is mutual respect and care
• There is a core alignment about the purpose of the relationship, and where it's going
• There is partnership

2. Relationships take work

Relationships are like anything in life. There will be good times and bad times. There will be beautiful things. There will be things that are broken that you need to fix. You'll screw up. A lot. If you want it to work, you need to have patience. You also need to have good boundaries, and respect—for yourself and for others.

In good relationships the hard times have an overall characteristic of us—not me vs you. There is a general trend of collaboration, and the betterment of the individuals, and the relationship itself.

3. Your relationship will change

When I was in grad school, one of my professors announced that he'd been married six times—to the same woman. He didn't mean they'd gotten divorced and remarried six times. He meant that his relationship with his wife had changed dramatically over the years. Their marriage as newlyweds was very different from their marriage as parents, which was different again when their children left home.

When we think of the roles we share together in a relationship, we can even think of having multiple relationships at one time: financial, friendship, sexual, flatmates, etc.

Yes, because of human nature, this means that over time the realities of life will settle upon you, and your sex life will change. It will also probably need your attention.

4. You will be in your relationship

There's an old saying: Wherever you go, there you are. When you're in an intimate relationship with someone, you inevitably bring your past along with you. That means you're going to run into trauma, attachment, and practical issues that your relationship is going to have to deal with.

Most likely, these things aren't going to show up in a nice way. They might present as: recurring arguments, cold silences, or sadness and isolation.

in conclusion

The beautiful thing about a good relationship is that it takes time. Over this time, you get to know another human being—and you get to know yourself in ways and with an intimacy and depth you can't really understand unless you've experienced it.